It’s time to downsize. You should probably donate that Brita pitcher
that your old roommate who moved out seven years ago left in the pantry.
Then again, what if one day you figure out where to buy replacement
filters, and it totally revolutionizes your hydration routine? Best not
to take any chances.
To your knowledge, there has never been a baby in this apartment. The
origins of this bottle are uncertain, as is its purpose. Why would a
baby need oil? Can adults use said oil? If so, how might it benefit
adults? Is there a number of years past which baby oil is unsafe for
adults to use? These questions have been floating around the back of
your mind for the better part of a decade, much like the baby oil has
been floating around the back of the cupboard beneath your bathroom
sink. You can’t exactly donate it. But does it really make sense to
throw it out? One day, you will remember to Google some answers, and
then—free baby oil!
Half-Sanded Coffee Table
After discovering it on the street with a candle-wax stain, from previous
owners, you carried it home and began the process of sanding it down to
refinish—a task you keep meaning to complete. Though it has sat, partially
sanded, under piles of books and clothing in your bedroom since it
crossed the threshold to your apartment, you are too deeply invested to part
with it now.
Your Former Roommate’s UMassopoly
O.K., UMass isn’t your alma mater. So what? You can still appreciate
UMassopoly and such mysterious properties as “The Hatch” and “P.V.T.A.”
Theoretically, that is. You haven’t played UMassopoly yet, but Monopoly
is a popular board game, and its variants are as interchangeable as they
are enjoyable, right? What if the power goes out and someone suggests
playing an interminably long board game to pass the time? Get rid of it,
and you’ll really be kicking yourself in that specific scenario.
Second Brita-Filter Pitcher
This one’s a little bigger, and you’re going to need options once you
maybe start using these things.
That Chopper Thing You Saw Once on an Infomercial
Your parents ordered this for you as a birthday present, after you
encountered it during early-A.M. reruns of “I Love Lucy” and became
convinced that it would solve a lot of your problems. You used it a
couple times, and it works fine, but, really, so does a knife. And a knife
is less complicated to clean. Fewer parts to a knife. So you usually
forget that you own this device. But it does do a very specific kind of
chopping thing . . . maybe it deserves a second chance?
Several Gift Vases
Sure, you don’t buy flowers because they just die and then you have to
confront your own mortality and also touch their dead, slimy stems. But,
now that you own these vases, you can’t very well just throw them out,
can you? They’re perfectly good vases! You’ll find a use for all five of
If you take it to the shop, they can definitely fix it. What kind of
shop? You’re not sure, but you’ll figure it out someday.
This satchel and you go way back. You can’t just ignore the years of
devoted service it put in. Haven’t you ever watched “Toy Story”? Be
humane and let it live out its old age at the bottom of your closet.
What is a sell-by date but a marketing ploy of American consumerism?
Though your conspiracy theories subside whenever you are actually sick
and invest in medicine that is not expired, your general mistrust of the
pharmaceutical industry still blocks you from throwing out the bottle.
Third Brita-Filter Pitcher with Broken Lid
You just need it.